


your name on mine (there's good no matter where you look)

by blankcamellia



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Confusion, Hokuto Is Suffering, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, There Be Death, could possibly trigger smth, hints of cheating but technically not cheating, not anything explicit, tw: panic attacks kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24663073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/pseuds/blankcamellia
Summary: At the start of the age of 21, on their birthday, at the time they were born, the time freezes for 24 hours if your soulmate is nearby. How do you know your soulmate? You’re born with two names. One name is your soulmate and the other name is your cause of death. You don’t know which one is which until your birthday.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto, Matsumura Hokuto/Tanaka Juri
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	your name on mine (there's good no matter where you look)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not condone the actions these characters go through.
> 
> I asked YAT-TUS "so how dark should I go with this fic" and she said "Go dark", then I continued to explain it, making sure she's sure of what she's actually making me write ... and yes, dark we went. Maybe not super dark, but darker than I usually write XD
> 
> Thanks to Kat I have a magnificent title! ♥

“Relax, it’s going to be fine,” Juri assures him, smiling brightly as he brings his beer can up to his face again, taking a long sip. “It’s just your birthday, you’re supposed to have the best time of your life, so relax.”

_ It’s just your birthday,  _ it would have been just his birthday if it wasn’t for the fact he’s turning 21, and that’s the age when he gets to know if the name on his right wrist is his soulmate or not. Juri knows this. He should be concerned as well. 

It’s hard to relax when the possibility of Juri being his cause of death looms over him.

At the start of the age of 21, on their birthday, at the time they were born, the time freezes for 24 hours if your soulmate is nearby. How do you know your soulmate? You’re born with two names. One name is your soulmate and the other name is your cause of death. You don’t know which one is which until your birthday. 

“I know, it’s just …” Hokuto mumbles, feeling way too stiff and uncomfortable in Juri’s arms than he should. They’ve been dating for over a year now, and everything has been amazing. He truly believes that Juri is the one because there’s no way Kyomoto Taiga is his soulmate. Whose name burns on his collarbone as he thinks about him. 

They’ve never interacted and the way Taiga always keeps lingering around every place Hokuto visits makes him feel a bit restless, and he doesn’t know why, and he’s been doing his best to stay as far away from Taiga as politely possible, in the case of him being his cause of death. He doesn’t want to die at an early age. 

Juri is the most perfect boyfriend he could ever ask for - he’s attentive, he’s charming, handsome as hell, he knows exactly what to say when you’re down, got a great mouth in all ways possible, and the most important thing, he loves Hokuto despite all his faults and flaws.

They’ve gone on countless dates, both in public and at home, and Hokuto can’t find anything to fault Juri on because he’s just that good. Juri is simply the most amazing boyfriend in the world. He knows it might sound rose-colored and biased, but he’s been trying to find faults in Juri too because no one is perfect, but every time he’s tried to list negative things about him, he’s at a standstill. Nothing comes to his mind. 

He thinks of the nights when Juri has come over to his apartment, with drinks and takeout in hand, smiling sheepishly at him when he opened the door, letting him in. Always coming over when Hokuto needed him the most, in the midst of studying, needing a well-deserved distraction and anchor to normal life.

He thinks of the times when they’ve been lying together in bed, sheets warm and messy, and Juri has whispered everything he’s ever wanted to hear into his ears, voice smooth like honey, and sounding like symphonies. Things that have helped him through the tough times at school, things boosting his confidence, his whole being, and being with Juri just makes it all feel good again. Like life is okay.

“No, it’s nothing,” he continues, smiling back at Juri when the other looks at him with worrying eyes. He knows that Juri sees right through him but he doesn’t say anything. He never does. 

Juri pulls him closer, pressing a soft kiss onto his forehead before kissing his eyebrows, eyelids, cheeks, and lastly, his lips. Peppering him with sweet kisses that soon turn into more passionate ones, the ones that always turn him into a weak mess. He lets Juri kiss him on his neck before leaving him to socialize with the rowdy bunch by the sofa. 

Hokuto smiles at the gesture, face flushed but feeling calmer than before and he’s so thankful for Juri always making him feel grounded. 

His heart skips a beat when he sees the bright smile Juri has when he mingles with the rest of the guests at the party, his laughter roaring over every other voice in the room, and it’s everything that Hokuto needs to hear. It’d be perfect if they could spend their lives together like this. He believes it’s going to happen.

Until the moment the world freezes. 

It happens in barely a second, in the blink of an eye, as he’s trying to pick another bottle of beer from the fridge. The moment he closes the door, he hears nothing. There’s no loud music, no more laughter, or yelling. His heart skips a beat, placing the bottle on the counter, feet moving automatically toward the last place he knows Juri was at, in the living room, on the couch. 

Only to face the fact that Juri is not moving. 

Frozen with time, eyes still bright, mid-laughter, and it would have been a beautiful sight, one that Hokuto would have treasured forever, if not for the fact that Juri is not his soulmate. 

His heart speeds up as he walks closer to Juri, one hand reaching out to touch the other. He feels warm still, just like usual. Tears threaten to well up, but he doesn’t know why. 

He should be feeling sad, devastated because they’re not meant to be, hat Juri’s name did not mean what he thought it meant, but he’s not sad. There’s no heartbreak, no lingering loneliness, or doubt. 

He doesn’t even feel empty.

It’s as if his life was paused, like a movie, and he’s suddenly brought back to reality. The reality where he and Juri are not meant to be, and that their life together up until now has only been a dream - a mere daydream. 

He cradles Juri’s face, brushing his fingers over his facial features, remembering each and every corner, as he should, and he tells himself that it’s wrong. That everything is wrong because they were supposed to be together, they were supposed to find each other, in this frozen world, share a day together that is solely frozen for them, for them to bond even closer.

Yet he can’t help but feel like it can’t be helped. 

They weren’t supposed to be together so the outcome like this is inevitable. 

“Juri,” he whispers against his lips, there’s a speck of hope inside him that believes that Juri will start to move, and tell him it was just a prank.

But of course, it’s not happening.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Kyomoto Taiga standing on the other side of the room, looking more lost than Hokuto feels, more awkward than Hokuto thought was possible, and brighter than anything else around them. 

They don’t speak, they just stare at each other as Taiga walks closer, slowly taking step by step, and it makes Hokuto realize the current situation. Realize that Juri is not his soulmate but his cause of death.

And Taiga is the walking evidence of this fact. 

For each step Taiga takes toward him, he feels every piece Juri kept together inside him crumble down. Every step baring his soul to Taiga, stripping layer after layer of everything he thought was right. 

He knows that he doesn’t want anything to do with Taiga, or at least that’s what he’s trying to tell himself but he knows he’s lying. The closer Taiga gets, the more he wants to know about the other. The more he wants to get away from him. The more he wants to get closer.

The confusion is not helping. Taiga’s sweet voice doesn’t help. Because it’s so different from Juri’s. 

“Hokuto,” Taiga says and Hokuto stares back at him, eyes wide and his breath caught in his throat. 

“Don’t—” he croaks out, words getting stuck, words losing their worth.  _ Don’t say my name like that.  _

Because it sounds so right. Like music to his ears, like fingers sliding over piano keys and finding the right one, the one creating harmony and life to the music. 

All the times Juri has said his name now sounds so foreign, so dull. 

He notices how Taiga takes a step back, unsure of how to continue, probably seeing the confusion in his eyes. Hokuto doesn’t blame him because he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling himself.

His whole world shattered in seconds and everything he’s planned with Juri disappeared like bubbles. 

Nothing right now feels right, or so he tells himself. Because he knows that it’ll feel right if he just lets go of Juri. 

But he doesn’t want to because Juri is the one he’s supposed to stand beside, share laughter and happiness with. Not with Taiga, who’s moving and the hurtful reminder that Hokuto is wrong. He refuses to believe that this is how his life is turning out. 

He refuses to look more at Taiga, refuses to drown in the soft brown eyes which see through him like he’s made of glass, turning his eyes back to Juri. He already misses him, wishing the hours would just pass by fast, even if he knows that they’re fated to not be together. That he’d have to break the facts to Juri once he starts to move again. 

Inside, he knows it’s easy. It’s just words. Telling Juri that they need to break up. That they were not meant to be because time did not stand still for them. That the name on his collarbone over his heart that Juri never wanted to look at while they were having sex is replacing him. 

It’s just words. 

And they were never supposed to belong together anyway.

But it’s hard to let him go. Juri is everything to him, everything he’s ever wanted. 

“Juri, Juri, Juri… “ he chants his name, low mutters against the frozen skin, wishing he could just wake up, but nothing happens.

“Juri is frozen,” Taiga’s voice breaks the silence, sharper than before and Hokuto snaps his head up to look at the other, who’s now seated on an armchair. “I’m not.”

As if Hokuto didn’t already know that. 

He just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. 

“I know,” he swallows because he  _ knows.  _ He knows that they need to talk. Need to face each other. He knows he needs to let go.

He just feels so lost. 

“So let him go.”

He wishes he could hold onto Juri even tighter, but he’s afraid he’ll leave marks for later, so he lets go of him slightly unwillingly. Without Juri, where is he supposed to go? Where is he supposed to turn and run to when it gets dark?

He lets go but he doesn’t leave Juri’s side. 

Taiga stares him down and he can’t read him. He doesn’t know what Taiga is thinking or feeling. Or so he tells himself. He knows exactly what Taiga is thinking and feeling, it’s searing through him like his own blood and temperature, like a missing part of himself. 

The longing Taiga feels swallows him whole, making him choke on the amount of longing Taiga’s been feeling the past year - for him. The protectiveness Taiga emits surrounds him like a warm blanket, safely wrapped around him, protecting him from any potential harm, making him believe that nothing will ever come in-between them. The irritation Taiga feels because he’s being indecisive because he’s clinging onto the what if. The sadness is what makes him bite his lower lip because he can feel exactly how much Taiga doesn’t want this to happen either. 

He dives deeper into the sadness, touching a bit of regret because all that Taiga wants for Hokuto is for him to be happy. This is not the way he wants Hokuto to notice him, it’s not the way he wants them to start their happily ever after. But amidst of all, there’s a relief. Relief that Hokuto is actually his soulmate, and also hint of happiness.

Hokuto can’t wrap it all around his head, can’t comprehend what he’s supposed to feel. There’s an indescribable feeling simmering inside him, wanting to surface, one that screams Taiga’s name, that no matter how much he pushes it back and tries to replace it with Juri’s name, it just comes back again and again, until Taiga is the only thing he can think of.

No matter what, he can’t feel angry at Taiga. He can’t fault the other. He can’t blame him. He also can’t stop himself from letting pieces of Juri leave him with every second that passes by. 

So he cries, and curls himself up as close to Juri as he can, trying his best to ignore the way he feels more and more indifferent about the fact Juri is frozen, all that until he passes out from exhaustion.

When he comes back to it, a few hours later, Taiga is by his side, gently wiping away the remainder of his tears. He doesn’t flinch at the touch, on the contrary, it feels nice, comforting even, leaning into the touch subconsciously. How long has he been by his side?

“Are you okay?”

He snaps back to reality, jolting his body away from Taiga, momentarily shocked at himself for letting his guard down. Of course he's not okay. The world is frozen still and he's stuck with Taiga. 

"Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you, I just wanted —” Taiga stops himself, and Hokuto stares at him. He just wanted what? 

He feels the longing again, even stronger now that he’s closer. It makes him want to reach out, grasp it, and try to understand it. He feels the urge Taiga has to be closer, closer, closer, and even closer to him.

“Did you know?” He asks instead, trying to steer his mind away from the urge to pull Taiga closer, willing himself to move closer to Juri, trying to prove that they’re still together (to who? To Taiga? To himself?)

And the silence he gets from Taiga says it all.

He knew. 

Then, why? Why didn't he reach out, why didn't he approach him, why didn't he say anything? 

Why did he let it come this far? 

"You knew… " He can't find any other words to say, can't will himself to say anything else. Because Taiga knew, and never did anything. 

He doesn't blame him though, because he never wanted anything to do with Taiga. 

Because he believed Taiga would be his death. 

"I've known for sure since my birthday… but I've always… I've always been watching you," Taiga says, looking down on the floor, eyes averted from Hokuto's questioning gaze. 

He wants to call him a liar because he doesn't look at him right now. But he can't because he knows it's true. 

Taiga has always been around.

It's not until Taiga shifts his eyes and meets his that he understands why he's always felt so restless around Taiga. 

He's his soulmate, and he unintentionally longed for him. 

How everything falls into place the moment their breaths synchronize, how his heart feels lighter, how everything doesn't matter anymore because they found each other, how the weight on his shoulder disappears, making him feel like flying. How everything feels just right.

But he doesn't want to wrap his head around it because there's Juri. Juri who's always been so good to him, always smiled at him, always supported him. Who always was there to hold his hand when he needed him. 

It was all so good.

He sees how Taiga is fiddling with the hem of his shirt, hesitating to reach out to Hokuto again, and while he doesn’t want anything to do with Taiga, he also wants to know more. He’s not a complete asshole, even if he sounds like one right now, because there’s something about the way Taiga is so accommodating, so passive, but also so resolute and straight forward, that makes him so captivating. 

_ More, more, more…  _

Like an oncoming train, his heart speeds up, beating faster out of nowhere, and for no reason, his breath gets caught in his throat again, only this time he actually finds it hard to breathe. There’s no air going to his lungs, no matter how much he gasps for air. It’s suffocating, it’s burning, it  _ hurts.  _

_ Juri, Juri, Juri…  _

He wants to feel his arms around him again, his warmth and secure grip on him, his light in the dark. 

His vision gets blurry with tears, the frozen world disappearing from his sight with every blink he makes, blindly reaching out for something to hold onto, to keep him grounded, to calm him down. 

Then, there’s a pair of arms around him.

It’s different, but not the bad kind of different. It’s not Juri’s, he knows that, and he wishes it was but it won’t ever be that way again.

They hold him in a tight, desperate grip, almost crushing him, but it doesn’t make him panic more. He feels trapped, held back, and cornered, but he doesn’t feel threatened. It all doesn’t make sense to him when his heartbeat calms down and feels air returning to his lungs. 

He’s always wanted to feel safe, to be taken care of, to be praised, and to get undivided attention. 

But when he feels how Taiga holds him so desperately, as if he’s the only reason why he’s still breathing and his only salvation, he understands. He understands that what he wants is not what he needs.

So he sobs into Taiga’s arms, soaking the other’s shirt with his never-ending stream of tears. 

During it all, he doesn’t know if he’s crying because he’s sad or relieved. Because no matter what he else feels, being in Taiga’s arms feels right. 

Taiga doesn’t tell him the sweet words Juri always whispered into his skin as he kissed him calm, Taiga doesn’t kiss his tears away, isn’t dabbing his worries away with cotton, on the contrary, Taiga is silent, swallowing hard, trying to find the words to say, words he knows Hokuto wants to hear but doesn’t need to hear, Taiga lets him cry his eyes out until there’s nothing left but dry, red eyes, and ragged breaths, because he needs it, and while he doesn’t pour salt into his wounds, he doesn’t care for them tenderly, because he needs to let them heal, not conceal. 

It hurts him to realize that he’ll be fine without Juri. 

It feels refreshing. Infuriating, but refreshing.

Taiga is slowly letting Hokuto break down into pieces, only to leave him to collect the pieces of him that he needs, not wants. Making him look at himself properly and realize that even if things were good, there’s always something better out there.

What he had with Juri turned out to be a mere dream in the end.

He feels like a child again when he’s out of tears, sniffing as he looks Taiga in the eyes again. The other holds his breath as he waits for Hokuto to speak. He doesn’t have anything to say really, but he’s willing to try. Even if it means he has to let go of Juri.

Because he doesn’t want to be Juri’s cause of death.

That’s the conclusion he’s come to for now. He’s doing this for Juri.

“You don’t have to be scared,” Taiga whispers, his voice so smooth, despite the slight tremble Hokuto notices. How scared is Taiga, he wonders? He doesn’t ask. He wonders why Taiga even tells him that because he’s not scared, is he?

“It’s okay… “ He continues, and Hokuto wonders out loud what is. He doesn’t understand until Taiga explains, and it makes his world crumble even more.

“It’s okay if you don’t love me back, or ever will, but I want you to live, no I  _ need _ you to live, so, please… please?” 

He understands then, that the world he thought was so bright before when he was walking hand in hand with Juri is no more. There are no more lazy mornings, waking up next to Juri’s tanned body, sharing a cup of coffee in bed before they need to rush to university, the wind blowing in their hair, the sun rising behind them, and slowly warming them up. 

The more Taiga looks at him, the more he pushes the memories away. 

Because he understands that what he had with Juri is still valid, that his remaining feelings for Juri are still valid. It’s okay if he still loves Juri. It’s okay if he doesn’t love Taiga back.

As long as he stays alive, it’s okay.

He sees a blinding smile, piercings glistening in the sun and he understands.

As long as Juri stays alive, it’s okay, is what he tells himself.

“Then,” he says under his breath, barely a whisper, but it’s only the two of them anyway, reaching out to finally touch Taiga. A hand hovering over Taiga’s cheek, and he can feel the sparks between them already, their undeniable connection speaking louder than words. “Make me forget.”

Taiga swallows, biting his lip and Hokuto knows that it’s not an easy decision, but he’s beyond the point of caring now, so he brings Taiga’s face to his. 

The first, intentional contact he makes with Taiga makes him wonder what else he’s been missing in life because Taiga’s skin is like a desert, absorbing his touch like water, sending electric waves of rapture through him. He briefly wonders what it’ll feel like if they did more.

Taiga kisses him with desperation, a need, something Hokuto’s never felt before. It makes him need more, to feel more, to do more. All this time, it’s been things Hokuto’s wanted, feeling satisfied once he’s gotten them, momentary happiness and gratification, only to wait until he wanted them again. 

This time, it’s all about need. Things he’s never before considered but suddenly realize that he needs. 

He gets them to his bedroom somehow, and it doesn’t even feel wrong when he lets Taiga climb on top of him, unbuttoning his shirt with shaky fingers, because the only proof he has that it could even be the slightest wrong is how he sees Taiga’s hesitation. Everything else feels right. 

His breath leaves him when Taiga drags a finger over his collarbone where his name is engraved. It’s burning, screaming, and pulsating with a newfound feeling. Acceptance.

It’s when he feels the first drops of tears fall on his skin that he forgets completely about his own worries and just reaches out to make sure Taiga is okay. 

He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even know what to say, because he doesn’t know Taiga, but he knows that he needs to reach out, to touch him, to comfort him, to make sure he’s okay. Maybe he doesn’t need any words because the way Taiga’s feelings flow through him as nothing else has done before tells him everything. 

It makes him forget about all the times Juri’s been with him, in this room, in this bed, doing exactly the same things they’re doing right now. 

Because they’re over. The moment the world froze, they were over.

It’s a truth he doesn’t want to accept, but he understands that it’s what’s waiting ahead for him when the world goes back to normal.

There’s no sunlight shining at them when they wake up but he knows it’s morning by now. His body knows they’ve been sleeping for a good amount of hours. He doesn’t know exactly when they passed out, and when he tries to remember it, the only thing he remembers is exactly how Taiga felt in his arms before he closed his eyes and let sleep take over. 

He felt complete.

When Taiga gets up from the bed, finding his clothes on the floor, Hokuto stares at him. With every step Taiga takes away from him, he feels the need to follow him. The need to be by his side. 

Maybe it’s what Taiga has felt all the time.

He doesn’t dwell on it long, however, as the feeling of guilt hits him again as he remembers Juri in the living room. His heart rate picks up again, his throat feels constricted, and his vision blurry. 

_ Juri. _

There’s not a hint of guilt inside him, yet he feels like he did something wrong. 

Then, Taiga is back at his side, arms around him again, pulling him in another tight embrace, different from before, this is one is more confident, more secure, and less desperate. 

“It’s okay,” Taiga whispers, and Hokuto feels like he can breathe again. “It’s okay.”

Taiga keeps repeating it over and over again until Hokuto calms down, and until he knows he’s not saying it just for Hokuto’s sake. 

They spend the remaining hours in their frozen space on the balcony of Hokuto’s apartment, huddled as close as Hokuto felt comfortable with, trying to talk about all the things they’ve missed out on. Little by little, he scoots closer to Taiga, little by little, he lets Taiga build him up again. The hours feel like years, every word they share is like a piece of their puzzle falling into place, every fact they share is another page in their book, and Hokuto can’t help but feel more whole than he’s ever felt.

By the time their day is soon up, he realizes how he’s starting to accept this. It saddens him to face Juri and tell him the truth, but he understands that it’s not about what he wants anymore, but what he needs.

And he needs to live.

He’s walking out of the bathroom when time continues, not noticing it at first until he hears Juri’s voice, louder than the music, and his rapidly beating heart. 

Then, the panic is back. The words he thought of before are gone. Juri is back, unknowingly still in love with him, unknowing of the extra 24 hours Hokuto just spent. He sees how Juri walks toward him, he should stop him, not let him get too close, because they don’t know what will happen, or could happen. But Juri doesn’t know. Hokuto has to tell him, but he can’t find his voice.

_ Closer, closer, closer. _

Juri reaches out to touch him, like he always does, asking him what’s wrong, but he gets stopped midway.

Taiga is panting beside Hokuto, eyes wide in fear, hand gripping on Juri’s, pushing him away from Hokuto, putting them at a safe distance between each other. 

And Hokuto’s confused, scared, panicked stare tells Juri everything he needs to know. 

Taiga slowly releases Juri’s hand when he notices he’s not moving forward. He looks between Juri and Hokuto and his heart clenches when he sees the tears falling from Hokuto’s eyes and the soft, disconnected smile Juri has. 

“Ah, I see,” Juri says, eyes evading both of them, chuckling slightly, lifting one hand to run through his hair, frustration plain as a day, before he backs away, one step at a time. “I see.”

Hokuto can’t say a word as Juri is leaving, knees giving up and he falls into Taiga’s arms, desperately trying to find a way to breathe properly between his sobs. 

Juri was smiling, telling them he understood. But his smile never reached his eyes, like it always did, so Hokuto knew he was lying. Juri didn’t understand. Hokuto knew that, and he couldn’t make himself tell Juri that it’ll be okay. Because it won’t. 

* * *

He doesn’t hear from Juri in weeks after his birthday, all contact lost, and he can't bring himself to contact him either. He still sees him from afar at school, flashes of pink hair and shining piercings, but they're never close enough to make contact. They shouldn't.

Instead, there's Taiga by his side, tugging at his arm whenever he gets lost in thoughts and thinks about Juri. He appreciates it and doesn't feel like it's an act of jealousy because the way Taiga looks so concerned and hesitant every time makes him feel thankful instead.

Thankful that Taiga is there. Thankful that someone is keeping track of him. 

Because if Taiga wasn’t there, he feels like he would have strayed far away. 

He doesn’t want to call Taiga a distraction, even if he was one in the beginning, because the older doesn’t deserve to be called one. He never was. It was Hokuto’s active choice that made Taiga a replacement. 

He never says it out loud, but he knows that Taiga is aware of it, yet he still stays with Hokuto.

The good thing though, is that he’s slowly starting to accept his new lifestyle. He doesn’t mind walking home with blond hair, cold skin, and big, hopeful eyes. He doesn’t mind reaching out, taking his hand to hold until his heart calms down. He doesn’t mind saying his name for no reason at all, and watching how Taiga looks at him with confused eyes.

He still misses Juri, and he doesn’t really want to forget about every what if and what could have been, but he needs to, or he’ll be eaten alive. 

Being with Taiga helps at least because it feels right, everything they do together feels right, and it makes him believe that it’s how it’s supposed to be. It gives him false justification that he was right in breaking it off with Juri, not that he actually had a choice. Or he did, but choosing between life and death, and willingly choosing death, he’s not sure if he’d ever be ready for that.

He shakes his head and buries his face into the pillows in Taiga’s bed, trying to shake off all the negative thoughts. He has to turn his head around, stand his ground, and face the new path he laid out for himself back on his birthday. 

Right now, he has Taiga, and if he’s being honest, there’s nothing he’d change about it. 

They might argue, but he never gets angry enough to feel any regret or irritation at the other. He always realizes the way Taiga sees things, and how it’s different from his own view on it. They both suck at communicating it between each other, but somehow, in some way, the message gets across anyway, and then, everything is fine again. Taiga is everything he’s not, and at the same time, he’s everything he is. 

In the beginning, he found it frustrating how Taiga did everything the exact opposite of what Juri did, but he soon realized, understood, that it was just how Taiga is. The care, affection, love, and worry didn’t change. At the end of the day, he’s the one who understands the best just how much Taiga cares about him.

He wants to, no, he  _ needs _ to, do the same for Taiga.

Because Taiga makes him whole, whether or not he wants to admit it out loud.

He’s not sure if he can call it love, but he knows that it’s something more than that and that he has no problem doing it for the rest of his life. He’s content with how his life is right now.

It’s why it surprises him when his phone goes off with Juri’s name glaring on the screen. It’s why he doesn’t pick it up at the first ring. Because what could Juri want with him now?

His heart speeds up again, sending him and his body back to his birthday again, and he remembers exactly how it felt when he saw Juri frozen. He thought he’s gotten over it all, that everything was fine, but it was a lie. He’s just put a blanket on it all, covering up the problem. 

“Pick it up?” Taiga asks from the bathroom where he’s fixing himself up. He got a show later this evening that he invited Hokuto to watch. He peeks out from the bathroom, one eyeliner half-done, and pales when he sees Hokuto sitting frozen on the bed, and looking at his ringing phone. He caps his eyeliner before he walks over to Hokuto, crawling into bed with him, pulling him into half a hug. 

It calms Hokuto down slightly, enough to snap out of his trance and look at Taiga with confused eyes. 

“What should I do?” He whispers, and he doesn’t know if it’s directed to Taiga, or himself. Maybe mostly to himself. Because he doesn’t know the right course of action.

So Taiga does it instead. He reaches over and slides his finger over the screen, accepting the call from Juri, helping Hokuto to hold the phone against his ear. 

It’s not a conversation he should listen to, Taiga knows that, so he moves away, enough to not hear anything Juri might be saying, but close enough to make sure Hokuto is safe. He picks up his eyeliner again to finish his left eye. 

“Yes… ?” Hokuto asks into the phone hesitant, unsure whether the phone call will be pleasant or not. 

“Miss me yet?” Juri chuckles in his ear, light but eerie, and it makes him sit up straighter, all senses on alert. Juri has never sounded like this before. 

“Juri?” Hokuto’s not sure if Juri is even willing to listen to him right now, more confused as of why Juri is calling him, and it doesn’t help when he feels the panic bubbling inside him again. “Are you drunk? Juri, tell me? Juri? Answer me!”

He hears how Juri continues to chuckle, distant and freely before he responds.

“No, Hokku my dear, I’m certainly not, but I want to talk, I think we should talk, you and me, like before.”

The way Juri speaks to him gives him chills down his spine, and he never thought that Juri would make him feel like this - scared, hesitant, distant, small, and void of any other emotion. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” He whispers back, very sure that it’s not a good idea. His whole body tells him to cut the line, block Juri’s number, leave his apartment, run away, hide - as long as he gets away from Juri. 

His hands start to tremble as Juri speaks again, and it’s so different from the soft way he used to speak to Hokuto before. He wonders what happened, where did the affection go, where did their love go, what made Juri into this stranger? 

Had everything been a lie?

He looks over to Taiga, who’s doing his other eye with makeup, and the way the blond stops his movements tells him that he must look terrified. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Come on, Hokku, don’t you want to see me?” It feels like Juri’s here, in this room, by his side, and whispering into his ear. It makes him shudder, fear crawling on his skin but he can’t help but agree. He does want to see Juri.

“You know where to go, I’ll be there,” Juri sings through the line before cutting it, leaving Hokuto agitated to the point he’s throwing himself off the bed, almost crawling to the door. 

“Hokuto!” Taiga yells at him, stopping him momentary in his tracks, but when he tries to focus on Taiga, his vision is blurry once again. “Where are you going?”

“I have to — Juri said — Taiga, I have to go, I don’t know —” He stutters as he backs away, trying to find his shoes and coat. “I’m sorry Taiga, I have to go.”

Taiga shouts at him to stop, to not go, as he flicks his hand to finish off his eyeliner as he runs after Hokuto. 

Hokuto runs down the streets he’s gotten to know so well the past weeks with Taiga, streets he’s been walking hand in hand with him down, stopping by each and every corner to window shop, to take a moment to relax. They’re all blurry and foreign to him now, barely a fragment of his memories, only a means to get him where he wants to be. 

It’s like a string snapping on a guitar. Everything is in harmony until it snaps, breaks in half, and it turns into chaos. A dissonance. Such an opposite from when he gets closer to Taiga, where every note falls in place and creates a symphony of harmony. The closer he gets to Juri, the louder the noise gets, the worse the ringing bells echo inside his head. But he wants to see Juri. At least one more time.

Then, there he is. In the park on the hill where they first met. Still in pink hair, the same amount of piercings, and clothes. Only, his face doesn’t look the same anymore. 

Gone is the warm aura, the bright smile, the lively eyes, and loving laughter. 

All Hokuto can see is darkness. It’s the only thing he can see clearly.

“You’re here,” He welcomes him, open arms and a big smile - just like how he used to, but it doesn’t make Hokuto’s heart skip a beat and have butterflies in his stomach, on the contrary. It makes his heart stop and the blood inside freeze. 

“Juri?”

He doesn’t want to believe that this is the same Juri he spent so many hours, so many days, together with, and the best time of his life with. 

“Hokku~”

Juri walks slowly toward him, an ice-cold smile on his lips, and eyes distant. Hokuto wants to run away but his legs don’t want to listen to him. He regrets coming here, he had this slight hope that he was wrong, that Juri was just joking, faking it, even if his gut told him to not go. 

It’s not completely dark outside yet, but to Hokuto, it feels like the sun disappeared already, and the summer turned into winter. 

The closer Juri gets, the more he feels his heart constrict, strangling everything he has inside, like the vines of life growing out of his heart suddenly withers. He needs to go back, back to the newfound warmth in Taiga’s colder skin, the melodic harmony that is Taiga’s voice, back to the eyes which always watched over him, but he can’t move. His body refuses to move and he briefly wonders if it’s because he’s too close to Juri, and it’s now it’s going to happen. The moment where they’ll both die.

“Tell me Hokku, did you also feel empty when you left?”

_ You were the one who left _ , he wants to say, but there’s nothing coming out. 

“Did you also feel hopeless and wonder where you went wrong?”

_ Of course _ , but he can’t say it. He spent so many hours frozen in time, denying the situation until he had to accept the truth, accept that they were over, they had no future. That the only solution was to learn to accept that being with Taiga could possibly be better. 

“Don’t you think it’s unfair?”

He doesn’t know where Juri is going with all this, because he’s already gone through all this, even if it’s not with Juri. He thought he was over all this, had accepted it.

The moment he sees Juri reaching out for him, just like the time back on his birthday, he closes his eyes, swallowing hard, wishing that nothing will happen when they touch, that everything is just a nightmare, that Juri is not an empty shell of his former self. 

_ Away, away, away. _

Then, there’s no touch, no searing pain, or screaming agony. Instead, there’s sunlight in the dark, a soft spring breeze passing by, firm arms pulling backward, away from Juri. 

In Juri’s eyes, he sees the reflection of blond hair, and around him, he feels Taiga’s presence wrap around him like a secure, warm blanket. 

“Stay away!” Taiga shouts at Juri, different from last time, eyes still wide in fear, but he’s more scared of Hokuto’s safety than his own. 

The moment Hokuto starts to cling onto Taiga, for safety, for stability, for support, he sees how Juri’s whole body goes slack as he starts to laugh maniacally. 

“Of course,” Juri starts, standing still and looking down at the ground, but both Taiga and Hokuto feel the chills running down their spine. There’s nothing left of the Juri they knew in the one standing in front of them right now. “Kyomoto Taiga, the shining knight in armor coming to your help once again. How does it feel to be protected from the only one who’s ever loved you as you wanted? I bet he doesn’t even love you, he’s holding onto that stupid belief called soulmates.”

Hokuto doesn’t want to believe what he’s hearing, doesn’t want to listen more to what Juri has to say. It’s enough, it’s enough already. It’s over already. He wants to beg Juri to stop, to just leave them, to tell him that he still loves him, always will, because it’s Juri, and he’s forever thankful for Juri. Taiga will never be Juri because Taiga is Taiga, and Juri is Juri. But right now, he doesn’t know if Juri is even Juri anymore. 

He knows though, that what Juri is saying is wrong. Taiga loves him. He knows it, understands it, feels it, and believes it because of the way Taiga selflessly put Hokuto before anything, the way he never shows any excitement until he’s sure that Hokuto is feeling the same, how he always,  _ always _ , makes sure he gives Hokuto what he needs. 

“Stay away,” Taiga repeats himself, voice projecting loudly and clear, holding onto Hokuto harder, and shielding him with his whole body. 

He can feel how Taiga is trembling, despite the firm hold he has on Hokuto, and he manages to reach up, put his hand over Taiga’s, and the trembling calms down, even if it’s just slightly.

The calm doesn’t last long as Juri lunges forward, reaching out to grab at Taiga, who is faster and pushes Hokuto further back. He tumbles on the ground, eyes never leaving the two, witnessing in slow-motion how Taiga desperately uses his whole body to hold onto Juri, hindering him from getting closer. 

Hokuto knows it’s futile because Juri already got the upper hand of not being afraid to hurt the other, and he sees the moment Taiga falls to the ground. He tries to scramble to his feet, find some kind of footing, but when he does, Juri is already in his personal space, already feeling foreign despite the fact they’ve been closer than this before.

“Don’t you think it’s unfair?” He repeats, growling into Hokuto’s face, as he pushes him further backward until he hits the guard railing by the road. “Don’t you think it’s unfair how he gets his happy ending, while we get nothing?” 

Hokuto doesn’t have a reply to it. Probably never will because he already thought about it. He just accepted it.

“Let go of him!” Taiga is pulling at Juri again, trying to get him off Hokuto, but to no avail. Juri doesn’t budge, doesn’t listen.

He doesn’t even have the strength to ask Taiga to help him.

“I thought about it, all this time, ever since your birthday, that if it’s going to be impossible, that if we’re not going to be able to be together, not even laugh together again, then no one else should be able to do that with you either,” The way Juri explains it makes sense to Hokuto, and it scares him. Because he once had that brief thought too, back on his birthday, before Taiga tied their strings together. Maybe it was better if they both died if they couldn’t be together. 

Maybe.

Juri elbows Taiga in the stomach, making him let go, gasping for air, and Juri takes that moment to push Hokuto further over the railing, leaning in close, close enough that his lips are brushing against Hokuto’s as he speaks, not once making Hokuto’s heart speed up as it used to do. 

“Don’t you agree?” 

And that’s the last thing he hears Juri say before he launches both of them over the railing. 

He grasps at Juri’s clothes as he feels his feet leave the ground, a last attempt to have something to hold onto, his vision blurry again, and he vaguely hears someone call his name in the distance, vaguely feeling someone grab ahold of him, pulling him up. 

It reminds him of the arms he’s grown to feel safe in. It makes him accept that Taiga is what he’s always needed.

_ I’m sorry,  _ he thinks before his vision and mind go completely dark.

* * *

Somewhere, he can hear a guitar play, a slow, sweet pleasant melody, perfectly tuned, and every note from the strings reverberating all around him. 

His feet don’t feel rooted anymore, but he doesn’t feel free either, and he wonders if he’ll ever feel free but the welcoming spring breeze from the door in front of him encourages him to take a step forward. 

He won’t forget but he’ll leave it behind. The way a part of him left him that night, forever gone, the way he’ll always bear the burden of being the cause of death. He’ll leave it behind but it won’t be forgotten. 

Instead, he takes the trembling hands on the other side of the door, calming them down, and lets them guide him into safety, where the world feels right, where he’s by his soulmate’s side. 

The name on his wrist has since long ago faded, a clear proof of what happened, leaving him with only the name on his collarbone, but he still feels his wrist burning sometimes, as a reminder.

It was good back then, during those happy days, but now, he found something better.

  
  



End file.
